Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Indian crème de la..... dèbris!!

                                   Blogging on a weekday feels like you're on paid vacation. Think of vacations and the first thing that comes to your mind is clean white sand beaches, picturesque landscapes and all things good, clean and 'firangi' especially. Every time you ask an Indian about their travel dreams, you are ought to hear, "I want to travel the world... not India!" (Heard of Shimla, Kerala, Rajasthan, Punjab, Pondicherry... etc. etc..??)
Why not India? If the choices are Bhopal or Nepal, I'm sure the majority will root for the latter destination. 
WHAT? REALLY? WHY? Oh wait, wait.. Let's save the drama for some other day and find out why.
Sharp. Blunt. Grim. Honest.
This will entertain you till the end.
This article is addressed to the dirtiest part of our nation, the quintessential litterbugs of our dear and unclean motherland. One national issue finally where people, irrespective of caste, faith and religion unite... but yes, for something gruesome. 
NOTE: A litterbug is someone who
  • Spits in public
  • Pees in public
  • Defecates in public (sorry Mrs. Vidya Balan, people still turn a deaf ear to your advice)
  • Litters the surroundings
  • Rapes
  • Terrorizes 
  • Brings down trees and plants
  • Smokes in public.......... and all that we civilized counterparts are ashamed of you people doing. 
-Picture THIS:
A new place that you are wanting to explore on the next vacation sounds like....
  • Dirty roads
  • Stinky toilets
  • Unhygienic places
  • Monuments/Heritages in sorry state
  • Garbage disposal in the open
  • Nobody is ever safe (except foreign Presidents)
  • Flies and other insect infested eateries 
  • Defecated surroundings even outside malls
  • People eager to litter for every chance they get

Would you go to this place? NEVER. Not in a 100 years!
But you know what?? You LIVE here. I have just described the beauty of one of the largest democracies in the world, India. Feel free to read them again!
Why is it so? Well, you say.......

-Firstly, India is dirty. 
CORRECTION: You dirtied India.
Yes, face it. From throwing a small piece of gum wrapper or a bus ticket to teaching us special modern art made on our heritages using 'paan', you are the supreme architect. Now who likes vacation pictures amidst such dirty surroundings, right?

-Indian heritages have lost its sheen.
CORRECTION: You played a big role in that. *Slow claps*
So yes, you and your better half are 'Heer-Ranjha', 'Romeo-Juliet' and all that, but our heritages are definitely NOT your canvas to let the world know how much you love each other. You have Twitter, Facebook, Face time, Whatsapp, BlackBerry Messenger and many more platforms to declare your undying love. Spare the dying monuments.

-Fellow Indians are unhygienic.
CORRECTION: Surprisingly, that's what people opine about you too.
Indians have an amazing skill that people nowhere around the world can even think of boasting: The sheer talent of flying spittle and blowing noses while driving on the roads. Yes, it's only acceptable when they do it themselves. 

-Biogas and garbage disposal is very rural.
CORRECTION: Well then, your mentality is stone-age.
The biggest irony is that it takes doctors, engineers, lawyers, architects and other highly educated professional/corporate bigwigs to litter their surroundings. The lesser educated rural India is doing much better with biogas plants and organic methods of waste disposal.

                                      Every other day, people upload pictures of their participation in the 'Swachh Bharat Abhiyan' holding broomsticks bigger than Harry Potter's! It's a win-win situation for them anyway.. 
One: People think you are humble, good and willing to work for the society.
Two: Publicity.
Three: Some place gets cleaner for a day (just a bonus from the above two points)
Isn't it shameful that a nation with the second highest population in the world needed a visionary leader to tell them to keep their surroundings clean? People are too busy trying for the numero uno spot perhaps! :D

The day is not far when the 'firangis' ask "Was the game 'World of goo' inspired by you people? You know it's so dirty and all everywhere!" OR
"Hey! Do you play treasure hunts in public toilets? Nobody goes in there anyway! It's like Google's page number 20. Nobody bothers going so far.. They get things done way before that."
Cut the crap people! Dirtying your house and singing praises of your neighbor's home doesn't make you any cool. 
Undeniably, you are the the title of this article! The filth of India and the prime reason we do not make substantial progress. Sensible people have hated you, do have and always will. 
This post is so much 'halla bol' it almost seems like a typical Madhur Bhandarkar movie script! ;)
Ending on a filmy note, a scene from a famous Bollywood movie depicts the protagonist saying, "Agar Bapu aaj yaha hota, toh kehta ki iss desh ki toh vaat lag gayi hain boss!"
True that. 
Jai Hind.

No comments:

Post a Comment