Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Gospel Truths of Auntyji!

He is obviously the coolest of Gods when he manages to get you and the entire familia an off right in the middle of the week. That sounds so much more dramatic than mid week, by the way.
*Ganpati Bappa Morya! Mangal Murti Morya!* 
So the family was home, enjoying a usual lunch together; but on a weekday, which was very unusual. For the seventh time this month, sambar was made at home; though fortunately, in a much smaller proportion this time and mommy dearest finally starts praising it in the hope that we would assume it was biryani and devour it all. Thankfully, the bird's eye chilly and shallot chutney is an all time conventional favorite knight in glistening coconut oil armor that saves the grace. 
P.S. But the sambar today was actually good.
In the middle of the lunch, some unexpected guests (read old friends) decide to drop by. It is the mommy's girl gang! Mid-aged women now (I hope they do not read that) but head turners back in the day (I hope this makes up) and now thriving on weekly gossip sessions come over. As I am yet to finish my lunch, I decide to sit in the living room and continue eating.
After the usual hey and hi and some unimportant banter about their kids having office even today, our main auntyji here starts the mandatory session of gospel truths (read gossiping). Mommy gets some aerated beverages and snacks for them to begin. That's when Auntyji notices that I am around and realizes that I was going to take time to finish eating. Hence, she performs the quintessential 'mommies/aunties think kids never understand eye signalling act' and goes on to produce an unnamed Gospel session. As I am visibly not a thumb suckling tot and still very much in my senses, I realize this was going to be fun. So this is how it goes...
Topic: An actress, who they presumed had adopted a baby some years ago.
Auntyji goes like, "We came to give you some very important news. You know about that actress who adopted? That baby is not adopted at all! It's her own child!"
The others bewildered, "What? Who said?"
Auntyji: "Someone related to the actress related to me (I didn't quite catch the relation there) told me. They knew it all along! But news takes time to travel and reach Pune, you see."
"Really? But she wasn't pregnant, right?" curiosity inside one of them shooting up higher than Alps.
Auntyji continues, "No! She wasn't. They took 'this' from her, and 'that' from him... you know her lover, and mixed it to put it into someone else!"
I'm now struggling with all my might to keep my laughter compressed inside. I guessed some yoga that I did a few months ago, helped me keep the poker face in control.
Impressed by her new discovery, they go, "Oh mine! And all this time we thought the baby was adopted!" they say, looking flabbergasted.
It doesn't stop here. Another enthusiast had her curiosity well above the Everest by now "Who is the guy?" she asked.
Auntyji: "Who knows? Some say that he is an actor and some say he was a cricketer. It seems like the man was already married and his wife didn't leave him. I'll get the name next time! Bollywood celebs do all this so publicly (read surrogacy). But this actress chose to tell the world that her own baby is not hers and is adopted."
I can barely control my laugh any longer (side-effects of stopping yoga along with a complimentary paunch).
"That's so shocking and surprising at the same time!" another concludes.
I gobble up the remaining lunch and run to the kitchen to laugh my senses out. Finally relieved that the 'baby' (me) is no longer in the room, Auntyji says, "These women today... no morals. They make babies but not marriage! How will that child grow up without a father?" she says nodding her head in disbelief. And just as I return, they start smiling like teenage boys just hit on them.
As they get ready to leave, mommy does the formality of asking "Leaving already? Sit for sometime more." And her badass comeback being, "Nah nah... Stock over for now. I'll come with more news next time!" which finally led me to losing all control over my giggles .
I realized, they were more relieved assuming I never caught what 'this' of the heroine and 'that' of her lover was, which got mixed up to put into somebody else. 
Ignoring our potential knowledge in all these crucial fields, gives our parents and their generation some kind of unexplained, overrated bliss. So much for birds and bees, I sigh. Here's hoping India's sex education does improve! I wonder if we could have a festival every year where age old myths and beliefs were submerged into water, which would make way for new ones. Until then,
Jai Hind and Ganpati Bappa Morya!

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